Feeling Down

             I can’t help but feeling down today. When the job you do is not good enough and then you are punished for it, it really deflates your ego. The pep that has been in my step the past 11 days is all but gone. The incentive to give 110% is no longer within me. I know my weight causes my 110% is probably the same as a healthy person’s 70%. I am trying to lose weight though. I wish I could snap my fingers and lose 200 pounds, but I can’t. This is going to take time and I am not sure if my current employer is willing to wait. The job description I was given upon being hired was not accurate and has continued to change. I am not big on change, obviously or I would not weigh over 500 pounds. Apparently, my hours are going to be cut because another person will be hired. I can barely pay my bills now. I am trying to trust that God knows what He is doing. I know He does, but I am still upset. I really want to order a pizza or two double cheeseburgers from Sonic. Oh my gosh, either would be so good! I hope I can be strong and not give in to temptation. Will my broccoli, potatoes, and pork chops be as good tonight? I feel like crying. I want cupcakes.

Struggling Today

        I am quite tired today. It could be because I wake up so many times during the night from sleep apnea. I knew I had it, but the doctor confirmed today with a phone call. She said that at some points during the night, I only have 45% oxygen. That definitely explains why I am so extremely exhausted all the time. It is difficult to think or stay awake sometimes. I have actually fallen asleep on the toilet more times than I can count. Once was for at least 45 minutes!

         It’s a good thing I am actually doing something about it now. One week down and a lifetime to go. I am struggling today with being happy about the changes to my diet. I like to look forward to my meals and today I simply could not be content eating a salad. Hopefully, my taste buds will change and I will crave vegetables one day. I have been weighing and measuring everything and that helps. It is not bothersome thus far. I just know that I feel lighter and less swollen. That is good enough reason to not give up this time. I know I am fatigued and fuzzy, but the CPAP machine should rectify that. More oxygen at night means more sleep. More sleep means more energy during the day. More energy means more gumption on my part because I will actually FEEL like doing extra.

Something Finally Clicked

          It's crazy, right? After all these years, I finally feel like I can do this. I can lose weight. I can be healthy. The only one who was stopping me was me because I was too much in my head.

         "What if I have tons of excess skin? What if I still can't get a teaching job? Or worse, what if I fail at teaching? What if it takes too many years to lose the weight? My life is already half over. What is the point in even trying now, just to feel bad 10 years later? No one will ever want me anyway because I won't look normal."

         But, you know what? God has a plan for my life. He is just waiting for me to make my move and lose this weight. Well, it is almost the end of the first week and I’m making it. It has not been perfect, by any means, but I’m doing better.

         My brother is doing this with me and we came up with a schedule to lead us into healthier eating and exercise habits. We started this past Monday with 2 days ON the diet, 1 day off. Repeat. Then we will do 3 days on and 1 day off. Repeat. Eventually we will get to 6 days on and 1 off and stay there. And even on our days off, we are trying to cut back some.

         This week, I have cut back on fast food, fried food, mayo, soda, and sweets. I have watched my portion sizes and substituted unhealthy foods for fruits and nuts. Next week, I will have to start eating some veggies. I think I can at least get in one serving a day. I can try anyway. Lol

         It might be all in my head, I but I do feel better. My legs, stomach, and fupa don’t feel as swollen. It is easier for me to put on my pants, socks, and lift my legs up. I actually feel lighter, but it is probably just fluid loss for now. I’ll take it though! I’m only going to get better at this! And I know having “treat” days is helping me make it through.