Feeling Down

             I can’t help but feeling down today. When the job you do is not good enough and then you are punished for it, it really deflates your ego. The pep that has been in my step the past 11 days is all but gone. The incentive to give 110% is no longer within me. I know my weight causes my 110% is probably the same as a healthy person’s 70%. I am trying to lose weight though. I wish I could snap my fingers and lose 200 pounds, but I can’t. This is going to take time and I am not sure if my current employer is willing to wait. The job description I was given upon being hired was not accurate and has continued to change. I am not big on change, obviously or I would not weigh over 500 pounds. Apparently, my hours are going to be cut because another person will be hired. I can barely pay my bills now. I am trying to trust that God knows what He is doing. I know He does, but I am still upset. I really want to order a pizza or two double cheeseburgers from Sonic. Oh my gosh, either would be so good! I hope I can be strong and not give in to temptation. Will my broccoli, potatoes, and pork chops be as good tonight? I feel like crying. I want cupcakes.

Struggling Today

        I am quite tired today. It could be because I wake up so many times during the night from sleep apnea. I knew I had it, but the doctor confirmed today with a phone call. She said that at some points during the night, I only have 45% oxygen. That definitely explains why I am so extremely exhausted all the time. It is difficult to think or stay awake sometimes. I have actually fallen asleep on the toilet more times than I can count. Once was for at least 45 minutes!

         It’s a good thing I am actually doing something about it now. One week down and a lifetime to go. I am struggling today with being happy about the changes to my diet. I like to look forward to my meals and today I simply could not be content eating a salad. Hopefully, my taste buds will change and I will crave vegetables one day. I have been weighing and measuring everything and that helps. It is not bothersome thus far. I just know that I feel lighter and less swollen. That is good enough reason to not give up this time. I know I am fatigued and fuzzy, but the CPAP machine should rectify that. More oxygen at night means more sleep. More sleep means more energy during the day. More energy means more gumption on my part because I will actually FEEL like doing extra.

Something Finally Clicked

          It's crazy, right? After all these years, I finally feel like I can do this. I can lose weight. I can be healthy. The only one who was stopping me was me because I was too much in my head.

         "What if I have tons of excess skin? What if I still can't get a teaching job? Or worse, what if I fail at teaching? What if it takes too many years to lose the weight? My life is already half over. What is the point in even trying now, just to feel bad 10 years later? No one will ever want me anyway because I won't look normal."

         But, you know what? God has a plan for my life. He is just waiting for me to make my move and lose this weight. Well, it is almost the end of the first week and I’m making it. It has not been perfect, by any means, but I’m doing better.

         My brother is doing this with me and we came up with a schedule to lead us into healthier eating and exercise habits. We started this past Monday with 2 days ON the diet, 1 day off. Repeat. Then we will do 3 days on and 1 day off. Repeat. Eventually we will get to 6 days on and 1 off and stay there. And even on our days off, we are trying to cut back some.

         This week, I have cut back on fast food, fried food, mayo, soda, and sweets. I have watched my portion sizes and substituted unhealthy foods for fruits and nuts. Next week, I will have to start eating some veggies. I think I can at least get in one serving a day. I can try anyway. Lol

         It might be all in my head, I but I do feel better. My legs, stomach, and fupa don’t feel as swollen. It is easier for me to put on my pants, socks, and lift my legs up. I actually feel lighter, but it is probably just fluid loss for now. I’ll take it though! I’m only going to get better at this! And I know having “treat” days is helping me make it through.

Still Stuck

     Not that anyone will read this anyway, but I feel like I have waited too long to fix my life. I have so many health problems. I am sure that by this time next year I will no longer be able to work, IF I keep up my unhealthy ways. I want to change, but I also don't want to work at it. I was looking at the inside of my car today. It is so messy. I have old food, trash, papers, tissues, and God knows what else in there. My apartment is the same way. It is so messy. I realized that I treat my body the same way, throwing all kinds of junk into it. I guess my doctor is right, that maybe deep down I really don't want to be healthy because I feel I don't deserve it. Or I hate myself. I don't know about all that, but I do know that I HATE where my life is right now. I feel like I need to take a beat. I just have sooo much going on in my life--two jobs, plus tutoring on the side, and trying to spend some time with family and friends. The latter seems to fall short most of the time. I am just too tired to do anything else. I think I need to put the oxygen mask on myself. Then, I will be able to do what needs to be done with everyone else in my life. 

Got Rid of Some Weight!

Well, I have lost almost 15 lbs since my last doctor visit. At the end of May, I weighed in at 485 even, and now have dropped to 470.4! I was laid off from my teaching job, so I have not had a lot of extra money for eating out. Relying on a 20 hour or less per week part-time job does not leave room for ANYTHING else, besides bills. But, at least it has forced me to choose semi-healthier foods. I still cannot afford fresh fruits and veggies everyday, but I continue decreasing my soda intake, cooking less fried foods, and eating less beef. I really think it is the decrease in soda and fast food that did it! Now I try to purchase foods that cost less and last longer, such as cereal, sandwiches, soups, peanut butter, popcorn, and boxed bars for work breaks. I have also dug through my pantry to find some Wyler's light water mix, which is a good substitute for the days I NEED to drink something with flavor and have already had my soda for the day. It is a struggle and I think about food a lot. When I don't have my Dews in the fridge, I crave them more. It is easier to know they are there and I can have one if I choose. I know I need to lay my burdens down at the feet of Jesus. I know I could fast, pray, and read the Bible when I feel the need to overindulge. I need to work on that! I am nowhere close to where I need to be, but I am slowly getting there!

Sticking with it is SOOOO Hard!!!

Well, I started off really well about 2 weeks ago. I was having MAJOR lower back pains (think kidneys) in the middle of the night. It became so bad that I had to get up and move around for 30 minutes before I could go back to sleep! I knew the culprit HAD to be my Dews! I tried having one can every other day, but ended up having them on consecutive days the second week. I just felt like my body NEEDED that, especially my brain. Ahhh.... Last night, I drank two cans and my back hurt a little this morning. Uh-oh. I cannot go back to drinking my dews! I need to move foward, and not back. I am going to try really hard not to have any cans today. If I feel I need one tomorrow, I shall have one. Every  other day. I can do that, right? 

I have also cut back on the amount of red meat I have be eating. Not because I don't want it, mind you. But because, I don't have the money to purchase as much!! I guess that is a good thing. Also, hamburger helper was a staple in my diet, until they changed their ingredients. Now the cheese is disgusting!! No more HH for me. Yuck! I called to complain and they acted like they didn't believe me. They even sent me coupons for free boxes. Uh, yeah no thank you! Like I really want MORE of what I was complaining about! Luckily, Kmart still has some of the old packages left, so maybe I will use the coupons there--when I can afford the hamburger that  is!! lol 

Let's see...other good things I have been doing. I have been drinking tons more water, especially before and during my meals. Even when I plan on drinking a dew with my meal, I make sure to have water with the first half. I have also been eating more sandwiches and soups, instead of unhealthy meals I would normally make from beef. Ya know..tacos, haystacks, Helper, meatball subs, ect. The good stuff. 

My body has felt like it has been lacking something. I think that is why I caved the past couple of days and overate, with dews too. I need to try to eat more fruits and veggies. Maybe that is what my body is needing. I just wish I could afford healthier stuff. I am so broke that I had to buy 4 packs of noodles on two separate transactions to get cash back for my rent. I had to go with the cheapest things in the store. I mean, I could have bought two bananas I suppose, but they would not have filled me up like the noodles. *sigh. Oh, well.... I have been finding information on Pinterest about what to eat/drink and when. I need to write it all down. When do I drink water and how much? How do I split up my food groups throughout the day? What exactly  are processed foods? Are canned/containers of fruits and veggies JUST as good for you? This is only the beginning. 

Dreams and Real Life

     I prayed last night for Jesus to help me find a job I can do physically, that will help me pay my bills, and is right for me now. I felt so desperate in my prayer and peaceful at its end. Of course, I had a dream that confused me to no end. It seems my dreams are always a mixture of real life and craziness! First I had to drive to be with the Pre-k students on their field trip. (This part happened probably b/c I used to go on field trips during the summers to the movie theater.) I don't remember where it was, but I drove to the location of our local hospital, Grace. The field trip was in that building. Then, I had to leave there and meet them back at the daycare to help with other things. In my dream, it seemed that the daycare was further away than my last job. (This could be b/c I was supposed to have an interview with a daycare that was in another county!) When I got there, the owner and director were talking while I was trying to get things out of my car. Someone approached me and told me that the owner wanted me and this other girl to sing for her--NOW! I really did not want to, but did so anyway! (This stems from me feeling like I need to be singing but don't feel good enough!) The strange part happens when I am suddenly at Kmart, beside register 1, with a music sheet in my hands. The other girl from the daycare is running register 1 and I am telling the director and owner that I cannot read music anymore. I say, "I can tell that this note is an 'e', but I don't know what sound goes with it!" After I don't sing,  I am suddenly behind register 1, with customers lining up. I don't want to be stuck there. I feel trapped. (This is b/c I really do feel trapped at Kmart! I feel like I am never going to be able to leave that place!) I end up staying until after 3pm, giving me 2 in half hours of work for the daycare! I feel scared to tell the owner that she owes me that much time. ( Probably b/c I really was scared to work over at the DC!)

     No matter what dreams I have, nothing is going to change until I get the motivation and strength to do something! I know God is waiting on ME to lose weight. I use being overweight as an excuse not to do a lot of things. Like yesterday my brother, along with some others went to a concert. For a second, I thought, "Oooh, I want to go! I was off from work! Why didn't they ask me?" Then I realized that I would have been unable to wait in line for 7 hours, the seats probably would have been too small for me, and I would have had chest pains climbing all the staircases! I think I am going to put pictures around my apartment to encourage my weight loss. No, not some skinny super model that I will NEVER look like. Instead, pictures of things I want to do and accomplish, like teaching, singing, riding a bike again, hiking, zumba, going to concerts, camping, fishing, traveling, etc. I think this could work. Everyone keep praying and if you have advice, I would love to hear your ideas~!