No Motivation

I Just do NOT get it. I am in pain almost every minute of the day: back, legs, shoulder, ribs, muscles, feet, knees. And yet I am unable to become motivated enough to lose the weight. All I can think about is when I am going to eat next. And if I am worried about something else, like school, then I want to calm my self with more food. Yes, like many I am an emotional eater. I am turning my cable off Wednesday because I cannot afford that bill anymore. Maybe it will help me stop eating so much. Most of my meals are in front of the TV. Actually, all of them are. Then again, will I become so bored that I eat even more. I just know that I cannot do this alone. I need support. Please Jesus send me someone who knows what I am going through and who can help me along the way. 

Trying to have faith in God's Plan

I have wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. I used to literally force, the neighborhood kids to play school with me on weekends and during the summer. I went straight from HS to a local community college, where I had a scholarship. I feel that is where I made my first mistakes. I wanted it to be like HS, so I did not take any summer courses. This caused be to be there an additional year. Oh, well. I then moved on to Appalachian State, in a new distance education program. The group I was in became the guinea pigs for the new program. Boy, there sure were a lot of bugs! I did not mind though, because I KNEW once I had finished school a teaching job was on the horizon. Unfortunately, after graduation and at the job fairs/interviews. I was told that I "lacked the experience" required to teach in the public school system. What? How can you obtain experience without a chance. I set out to find this answer. I worked with Sylvan Learning Center for a little over six months and in an after school daycare for a 1 and a half years. Now I felt more ready and prepared during interviews. This did not matter though, because now NO ONE was hiring! There was a job freeze and layoffs in every county.

SO, here it is two years after graduation, still working at Kmart. I felt like I had made absolutely NO progress since HS. My aunt (RIP) called me to tell me about a Prek daycare job opening where she worked. I was very skeptical b/c I did not see that as "real teaching". I went to the daycare, As We Grow and observed for a couple days. I felt really good about it and took the job. I will admit that the first year (2009) was horrible, not the kids or parents, but just about EVERYTHING else. There were a couple shining stars who kept be from crying EVERY day. I still cried a few times a week. I was off that summer, working at Kmart of course. THen back the next year in 2010. This second year was much better, with fewer bumps in the road. I was more confident, prepared, and educated as to what to expect in a Prek setting. I actually went to school for elementary, so this was a bit of a change.

I was off that summer, with rumors flying that I might not have a job. I came back early in the season to clean out my room when that rumor became reality. I was not heartbroken though. I actually felt at piece, like it was God's plan. Something else is on the horizon, I thought. Now I have experience!~ (I sure had fun finding places for all of my classroom materials! My apartment now looks hoarderish!) I had already started plans to re-enroll in school for PRek education. I stuck with those plans because it all worked out last minute. I knew it was God making a way for me to continue my education. Well, I am now in my second semester at East Carolina and find that I am waiting for God to move again. Is it right for me to continue school or will He have me wait for the summer or Fall semester?

The big question, is what will I do without school this semester? It kept me going in the Fall because I felt like I still had a purpose, other than working at Kmart. I was still working toward my lifetime goal of teaching someday. What will I do without school and only my HS Job that has lasted over 12 years? The more I write about having faith in God's plan, the more I can feel his presence. I know that He knows what is best for my life right now. Sometimes it is just hard to let go and put it all in His hands. I feel angry and prideful at times, which I know is human. God expects us to make mistakes, but hopefully come back from them and into His arms again.

If I do not get to go this semester I will focus on becoming healthy. I am having some issues right now with my obesity. I will also make more time to spend with friends and family. Lately, I have been too tired and feel like I have pushed everyone away. If I don't start making more of an effort (Facebook doesn't count), then I will end up completely alone.

Bad day at Work

I have worked at Kmart for over 12 years. Sometimes I think I should have foregone school since I ended up at a dead end job anyway. Going to college is supposed to make all of your dreams come true, right? Not for me, apparently. I am so unhappy. My managers (not all mind you) seem to think I am a child who cannot do anything right. I felt more valued when I was just starting out. I am trying to have faith in God's plan for my life. Some days it is so hard to thank God for what He has given me because I feel like I should have more. I worked for it, so why do I not possess it? I have a theory that God uses good and bad situations to draw people closer to Him. I taught Pre-K for two years. During this time, I did not attend church that often, nor pay my tithes. I feel like God looked down and said, "Well, that wonderful job did not make her want to give everything to me, so now I am going to take EVERYTHING away!" So, now I am stuck back at Kmart, barely making ends meet.

I also think that perhaps God is waiting on me to make the first move and try to lose weight. I mean really try, by praying and reading His word. I feel like my body is attacking me and that I will not make it if do not lose weight. I really don't see my future after the age of 35. I can't see me having a family or a career in teaching. I am fatigued most of the time and in pain all of the time. I hate to start the year out with so many complaints, but I need to stop holding this stuff in.