Still Stuck

     Not that anyone will read this anyway, but I feel like I have waited too long to fix my life. I have so many health problems. I am sure that by this time next year I will no longer be able to work, IF I keep up my unhealthy ways. I want to change, but I also don't want to work at it. I was looking at the inside of my car today. It is so messy. I have old food, trash, papers, tissues, and God knows what else in there. My apartment is the same way. It is so messy. I realized that I treat my body the same way, throwing all kinds of junk into it. I guess my doctor is right, that maybe deep down I really don't want to be healthy because I feel I don't deserve it. Or I hate myself. I don't know about all that, but I do know that I HATE where my life is right now. I feel like I need to take a beat. I just have sooo much going on in my life--two jobs, plus tutoring on the side, and trying to spend some time with family and friends. The latter seems to fall short most of the time. I am just too tired to do anything else. I think I need to put the oxygen mask on myself. Then, I will be able to do what needs to be done with everyone else in my life. 

Got Rid of Some Weight!

Well, I have lost almost 15 lbs since my last doctor visit. At the end of May, I weighed in at 485 even, and now have dropped to 470.4! I was laid off from my teaching job, so I have not had a lot of extra money for eating out. Relying on a 20 hour or less per week part-time job does not leave room for ANYTHING else, besides bills. But, at least it has forced me to choose semi-healthier foods. I still cannot afford fresh fruits and veggies everyday, but I continue decreasing my soda intake, cooking less fried foods, and eating less beef. I really think it is the decrease in soda and fast food that did it! Now I try to purchase foods that cost less and last longer, such as cereal, sandwiches, soups, peanut butter, popcorn, and boxed bars for work breaks. I have also dug through my pantry to find some Wyler's light water mix, which is a good substitute for the days I NEED to drink something with flavor and have already had my soda for the day. It is a struggle and I think about food a lot. When I don't have my Dews in the fridge, I crave them more. It is easier to know they are there and I can have one if I choose. I know I need to lay my burdens down at the feet of Jesus. I know I could fast, pray, and read the Bible when I feel the need to overindulge. I need to work on that! I am nowhere close to where I need to be, but I am slowly getting there!

Sticking with it is SOOOO Hard!!!

Well, I started off really well about 2 weeks ago. I was having MAJOR lower back pains (think kidneys) in the middle of the night. It became so bad that I had to get up and move around for 30 minutes before I could go back to sleep! I knew the culprit HAD to be my Dews! I tried having one can every other day, but ended up having them on consecutive days the second week. I just felt like my body NEEDED that, especially my brain. Ahhh.... Last night, I drank two cans and my back hurt a little this morning. Uh-oh. I cannot go back to drinking my dews! I need to move foward, and not back. I am going to try really hard not to have any cans today. If I feel I need one tomorrow, I shall have one. Every  other day. I can do that, right? 

I have also cut back on the amount of red meat I have be eating. Not because I don't want it, mind you. But because, I don't have the money to purchase as much!! I guess that is a good thing. Also, hamburger helper was a staple in my diet, until they changed their ingredients. Now the cheese is disgusting!! No more HH for me. Yuck! I called to complain and they acted like they didn't believe me. They even sent me coupons for free boxes. Uh, yeah no thank you! Like I really want MORE of what I was complaining about! Luckily, Kmart still has some of the old packages left, so maybe I will use the coupons there--when I can afford the hamburger that  is!! lol 

Let's see...other good things I have been doing. I have been drinking tons more water, especially before and during my meals. Even when I plan on drinking a dew with my meal, I make sure to have water with the first half. I have also been eating more sandwiches and soups, instead of unhealthy meals I would normally make from beef. Ya know..tacos, haystacks, Helper, meatball subs, ect. The good stuff. 

My body has felt like it has been lacking something. I think that is why I caved the past couple of days and overate, with dews too. I need to try to eat more fruits and veggies. Maybe that is what my body is needing. I just wish I could afford healthier stuff. I am so broke that I had to buy 4 packs of noodles on two separate transactions to get cash back for my rent. I had to go with the cheapest things in the store. I mean, I could have bought two bananas I suppose, but they would not have filled me up like the noodles. *sigh. Oh, well.... I have been finding information on Pinterest about what to eat/drink and when. I need to write it all down. When do I drink water and how much? How do I split up my food groups throughout the day? What exactly  are processed foods? Are canned/containers of fruits and veggies JUST as good for you? This is only the beginning. 

Dreams and Real Life

     I prayed last night for Jesus to help me find a job I can do physically, that will help me pay my bills, and is right for me now. I felt so desperate in my prayer and peaceful at its end. Of course, I had a dream that confused me to no end. It seems my dreams are always a mixture of real life and craziness! First I had to drive to be with the Pre-k students on their field trip. (This part happened probably b/c I used to go on field trips during the summers to the movie theater.) I don't remember where it was, but I drove to the location of our local hospital, Grace. The field trip was in that building. Then, I had to leave there and meet them back at the daycare to help with other things. In my dream, it seemed that the daycare was further away than my last job. (This could be b/c I was supposed to have an interview with a daycare that was in another county!) When I got there, the owner and director were talking while I was trying to get things out of my car. Someone approached me and told me that the owner wanted me and this other girl to sing for her--NOW! I really did not want to, but did so anyway! (This stems from me feeling like I need to be singing but don't feel good enough!) The strange part happens when I am suddenly at Kmart, beside register 1, with a music sheet in my hands. The other girl from the daycare is running register 1 and I am telling the director and owner that I cannot read music anymore. I say, "I can tell that this note is an 'e', but I don't know what sound goes with it!" After I don't sing,  I am suddenly behind register 1, with customers lining up. I don't want to be stuck there. I feel trapped. (This is b/c I really do feel trapped at Kmart! I feel like I am never going to be able to leave that place!) I end up staying until after 3pm, giving me 2 in half hours of work for the daycare! I feel scared to tell the owner that she owes me that much time. ( Probably b/c I really was scared to work over at the DC!)

     No matter what dreams I have, nothing is going to change until I get the motivation and strength to do something! I know God is waiting on ME to lose weight. I use being overweight as an excuse not to do a lot of things. Like yesterday my brother, along with some others went to a concert. For a second, I thought, "Oooh, I want to go! I was off from work! Why didn't they ask me?" Then I realized that I would have been unable to wait in line for 7 hours, the seats probably would have been too small for me, and I would have had chest pains climbing all the staircases! I think I am going to put pictures around my apartment to encourage my weight loss. No, not some skinny super model that I will NEVER look like. Instead, pictures of things I want to do and accomplish, like teaching, singing, riding a bike again, hiking, zumba, going to concerts, camping, fishing, traveling, etc. I think this could work. Everyone keep praying and if you have advice, I would love to hear your ideas~!

Trying this again folks!

Okay, so I find it funny that the last time I wrote on here, it was about not having motivation. I am currently facing the same problem. Four weeks ago, my mom, brother, sister n law, and I started our own weight watchers meetings and plan. I have been leading the meetings, which I love to do. However, I seem to lack the motivation to do things I say in the meetings. I prayed today for God to help me make better food choices, and for part of the day I felt that that worked. Ultimately, the choices are MINE and I need to decide whether I want to be fat, unhappy, lethargic, and in pain OR healthy and living life doing things I've never done before (or things I haven't done in a LOOOOONG time). Even writing this, I feel bummed thinking about the road ahead. I have got to find a way to make this happen. I am so tired and feel like giving up, but I can't. I want to lose weight so I can teach, sing, help people, and be myself. Anyone knowing how I feel, please share! 

No Motivation

I Just do NOT get it. I am in pain almost every minute of the day: back, legs, shoulder, ribs, muscles, feet, knees. And yet I am unable to become motivated enough to lose the weight. All I can think about is when I am going to eat next. And if I am worried about something else, like school, then I want to calm my self with more food. Yes, like many I am an emotional eater. I am turning my cable off Wednesday because I cannot afford that bill anymore. Maybe it will help me stop eating so much. Most of my meals are in front of the TV. Actually, all of them are. Then again, will I become so bored that I eat even more. I just know that I cannot do this alone. I need support. Please Jesus send me someone who knows what I am going through and who can help me along the way. 

Trying to have faith in God's Plan

I have wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. I used to literally force, the neighborhood kids to play school with me on weekends and during the summer. I went straight from HS to a local community college, where I had a scholarship. I feel that is where I made my first mistakes. I wanted it to be like HS, so I did not take any summer courses. This caused be to be there an additional year. Oh, well. I then moved on to Appalachian State, in a new distance education program. The group I was in became the guinea pigs for the new program. Boy, there sure were a lot of bugs! I did not mind though, because I KNEW once I had finished school a teaching job was on the horizon. Unfortunately, after graduation and at the job fairs/interviews. I was told that I "lacked the experience" required to teach in the public school system. What? How can you obtain experience without a chance. I set out to find this answer. I worked with Sylvan Learning Center for a little over six months and in an after school daycare for a 1 and a half years. Now I felt more ready and prepared during interviews. This did not matter though, because now NO ONE was hiring! There was a job freeze and layoffs in every county.

SO, here it is two years after graduation, still working at Kmart. I felt like I had made absolutely NO progress since HS. My aunt (RIP) called me to tell me about a Prek daycare job opening where she worked. I was very skeptical b/c I did not see that as "real teaching". I went to the daycare, As We Grow and observed for a couple days. I felt really good about it and took the job. I will admit that the first year (2009) was horrible, not the kids or parents, but just about EVERYTHING else. There were a couple shining stars who kept be from crying EVERY day. I still cried a few times a week. I was off that summer, working at Kmart of course. THen back the next year in 2010. This second year was much better, with fewer bumps in the road. I was more confident, prepared, and educated as to what to expect in a Prek setting. I actually went to school for elementary, so this was a bit of a change.

I was off that summer, with rumors flying that I might not have a job. I came back early in the season to clean out my room when that rumor became reality. I was not heartbroken though. I actually felt at piece, like it was God's plan. Something else is on the horizon, I thought. Now I have experience!~ (I sure had fun finding places for all of my classroom materials! My apartment now looks hoarderish!) I had already started plans to re-enroll in school for PRek education. I stuck with those plans because it all worked out last minute. I knew it was God making a way for me to continue my education. Well, I am now in my second semester at East Carolina and find that I am waiting for God to move again. Is it right for me to continue school or will He have me wait for the summer or Fall semester?

The big question, is what will I do without school this semester? It kept me going in the Fall because I felt like I still had a purpose, other than working at Kmart. I was still working toward my lifetime goal of teaching someday. What will I do without school and only my HS Job that has lasted over 12 years? The more I write about having faith in God's plan, the more I can feel his presence. I know that He knows what is best for my life right now. Sometimes it is just hard to let go and put it all in His hands. I feel angry and prideful at times, which I know is human. God expects us to make mistakes, but hopefully come back from them and into His arms again.

If I do not get to go this semester I will focus on becoming healthy. I am having some issues right now with my obesity. I will also make more time to spend with friends and family. Lately, I have been too tired and feel like I have pushed everyone away. If I don't start making more of an effort (Facebook doesn't count), then I will end up completely alone.